Thursday, June 18, 2009

Sequel to post of my friend named "Possibilities"

A new concept is it? Frankly I don't know if this is new. I read a post in my friends deepti's blog and deeply felt I have to reply her and add points to her's. I first felt to leave it as comment but it turned out to be very long..Hence decided to post it in my blog.

So here is the link for her post and you have two options either to go ahead read that and come back or read further ahead.

For readers who were not able to go through the is the gist. Its about the fading dreams and dreams that one is forced to bury due to various constraints. Its about an once independent women who suddenly realize that she is completely dependent on someone.

Now read on my share of the same....

Now coming to her post even I had to face the same situation. I am crazy about bikes not only as a pillion rider but even as a rider. I had always told to myself that with my dream boy I would love to go around different places in bikes. Even before my marriage I found that my hubby does know how to ride a bike but never wants to do one. After marriage at an instance I had to ride him to my brothers place in my bike with him in the pillion, and he was not even ready to hold on to my waist. But is this an vital thing to be given importance? I don't think so. One can think that the dream is now put into gutters but how can your dreams involve others? When I dream of going around in bikes I had imposed that in my future husband. And when now I find that is not possible who is really to be blamed?

I happen to see a video of Mrs.Dolly Parton giving commencement address in University of Tennessee. For those who are new to this name [like me :) ] , she is a famous singer. She has contributed a lot for education of kids through her Dollywood foundation with a simple motto 'Dream more, Learn more, Care more and Be more". But fact is she is more famous for her boobs and her dressing. When my husband showed me the link my first thought was what could she possibly speak about for such an audience. But it was really good. She walked through her life and explained in simple terms what she faced. She gave the differentiation between wishes and dreams. There could be many wishes one may have. They wither away as the time progresses on. They are hopes that we believe would come true. But dreams are something which we chase for. No matter what ever is the current state or position of us they don't wither away and lie back in our minds and kindles us deep within. Its like a fire in oneself. This is indeed true. Her speech was inspiring. I liked it more as it was in plain English with no buzz words.

Here goes the link. A must to watch...[Courtesy You tube]

As my friend has correctly mentioned I felt dependency is frustrating for me even. But I really wished to analyze the same. What we exactly think and feel as dependency? Is it merely because we are in H4? [H4 is a visa status for spouse of those working in US with H1 visa]

When my sister refused to be in H4 I kinda thought what is wrong with her. I felt it was an attitude problem of some kind which makes her refuse the same. Now I know what is the real funda behind it. I was sick of being dependent on someone for everything. I feel I am thinking 10 times before even ask for my husband to spend a dollar for something which I want. I felt relieved when I had ample amount of sanitary napkins which I got from India so that I need not ask the same to my husband.

When I had seen the kitchen I felt there wasn't good and proper vessels for me to proceed and asked the same to my hubby. He simply told it was with what he and his sister had been cooking from last 4 years. That was it. After that I dint feel like asking him for any utensils or cookware. There were many such instances. I don't use room-heaters unless it is unbearable for me to stand the cold. Thanks to the advent of summer I no longer have this problem. I went without breakfast for many days. This would just keep going on...

But when I stop and look back and give a re-think is it really my husband's fault in this? I feel this is my attitude problem. I don't deny there is indeed my husbands hands in this but what is the proportionality? Truth is his marital status has changed but not the financial status. What he was doing till now as a single person had to be same for two persons now. So I wont blame him in any way. So what is my problem?

Dependency is something everyone had had in their life and even have in their life. In short an Independent dependency is all we got. Every individual needs another soul and no one can live alone. So what is In dependency?

When we were kid we were dependent on our parents. We got everything from them and asked what was required to them. This had been there till we found ourselves in a job. That was till 23 years for me. I had no hesitation to ask or say what was in my mind till then. Even my parents have rejected to many proposals or wishes I had expressed to them. When my father restricted me in going to theaters I dint get hurt. I fought with him for the same and even though I lost, I was happy that I fought.

After joining job I still had to ask permission or at least get suggestion from my parents before taking any great leap. I was happy to do that. I felt I had to share it or inform the same to them before doing anything. So was I really independent or dependent then??

Now its just the person has been changed. Its now my husband and not father. But I fell depressed and rejected and dependent. Its that true? The truth is I am not ready to accept the fact. Even a single 'No' from my husband I feel I am deprived of my rights. I feel the insecurity in me which makes me feel I am being neglected. There could be a good explanation from his side for refusing the same. But I am not ready to listen to it with open mind. My entire thoughts are covered with a mask that "He is treating me so as he feels I am dependent on him and try to dominate me".

In fact he got me a web camera just to chat with my parents [He hardly uses it as he does not like to do web chat]. Its cost was 80$. Even knowing this still I feel bad to ask him to even go out. I am alone most of the time at home. When my husband is back from office I want him to just talk with me and spend time with me. My husband is a voracious reader. After I have come in here to live with him I hardly see him to read those books. I felt bad but if he starts to read I feel I am left alone and he is not spending time with me. Does that not look stupid? If I am able to really put this off from my mind I would be able to accept graciously even a bigger "NO" from my husband.

Another fact in US is you don't have the freedom to go out. You want your husband even to get to the nearest store. This kind of make me imprisoned inside the home. For first few weeks I felt I am under 'house arrest' like all top leaders are done back in India. Even to throw the garbage out I go only when my husband is there. I dint know how to lock my home properly till last month. Indeed there was no need for that either.

Thanks to my accident. This has really helped to go out without anyone's help. I walk to the physiotherapy center alternative days. My gym is in the same location but still I never used to go there alone without my hubby. So its the need which made me go. And I no longer feel I am in house arrest. So its my change in the attitude which had made me feel I am free when I had really been always free..

In a recent book I had read the author explains about "Freedom". It is not merely do things which you like to do but to understand the concept of dependence. I strongly feel if we are able to define and explain ourselves what is "Dependence" we can get out of that sack which binds us and blinds us from proper vision.

Change is the only constant thing in this world. This is something which I believe and have seen through in my life. I am trying to inbuilt the same in me to understand the life and lead it in most successful way.

Think it has become a lengthier post... No problem as because of this I was able to do a self analysis even. My husband always says I am an extrovert and hence a loud thinker. I cant think if I don't speak. This is true with every post of mine. I never think before I write and as I write my flow goes on. So people like me cant avoid the post getting lengthier and can analysis oneself as they speak/write...


Thanks for the patience in reading this in full!!!


Peerless said...

Only the person changes - So true. Writing your thoughts leads to more and more thoughts and leaves your mind as clear as a pool. Nice post.I enjoyed it and would rate it on par with a woody allen movie for its intellectual content (In case if you havent tried them , watch one when u want to kill time ..they are all about human relationships.)

நிலவொளி said...

Thanks peerless[Deepak] for dropping by. I have not seen Woody Allen movies. Would definitely watch them. I feel every relationship is special.

Saraswathi said...

Very nice post Manni. You have put out your thoughts well. I really loved reading it. I can understand the conflicts in your mind and how you are overcoming them.

I agree with you. There is always dependence on someone in our lives. Right from the rice we eat to the clothes we wear we get it all from other people.

I love your positive attitude.

Change in attitude is the key. For example, I used to have lot of fears and wud follow every tradition blindly as long as I was in India. Once I went to US, I lost all my fears and started doing things according to my beliefs and convictions rather than following customs blindly. A "Change in Attitude" is the reason for it and now I am able to live very happily because of my change in attitude.

Anonymous said...

hey krithi it's a wonderful post. At the same time it is common in every woman's life. change is inevitable. Only thing is u should be able to catch it up and get along with it..

நிலவொளி said...

@sarawathi Thanks for the comments. Absolutely if you stretch it far we are dependent on someone for our daily living either directly or indirectly. I have to work on my attitude if I need a peaceful life. :)

@viduraghu Thanks akka. Exactly this is always related to women. I wont suggest joining in a job and financial independence would save the situation. Inside the deep level her attitude has to change no matter she is financially independent

Dee said...

Heyy Krithi! Great, great post! I love your positive attitude and your open mind.
I am finally back with a reply

Sooorrryy it took very long though I had written parts of it as soon as I read ur reply.

Venkat Subramanian said...

It was a nice post..its a total reflection of your thoughts with no fear of critics. Great thoughts about freedom/dependence and my wife felt the same when she came here(US) for the first time.
Good luck!

நிலவொளி said...

@venkat Thanks for stopping by. "With no fear for critics" True. Thanks to my hubby as I had the confidence he would not be affected by my words. When he read the post he just commented I wrote it well and have to write more!!

Anonymous said...

..... but how can your dreams involve others? .....

vow! puts the best philosophicals to dust

finest commentary on human nature of illusion ... & in < 10 words